Category: Blog

His big firm hand folded around my tiny, delicate hand. We walked together to the corner ice cream store.

I felt so safe.

My hand melted into his and I felt the protection of his bulk.

I didn’t want this walk to end. “This is ecstacy,” I thought.

The counter in the store stretched from wall to wall, its white formica gleaming.

My head rose no higher than the ice cream counter stools mounted into the floor with heavy silver screws.

Patting the soft red padding lovingly, I waited for his strong arms to pick me up,

noticing the powerful muscles hidden under his coat sleeves.

He lifted me at the waist and placed me gently on the red seat.

Once seated, I twisted and twirled, spinning first to the left and then to the right,

kicking my little legs in glee.

Research studies indicate that anger and fear are associated with health issues, particularly those related to the cardiovascular system. In general, anger and fear are normal, healthy emotions. Anxiety is a form of fear that usually precedes an event and it based on a person’s worst thoughts of what might happen. In actuality some anxiety allows people to perform better during speaking engagements or competitive events. So if it is not paralyzing or overly strong, anxiety can be considered helpful prior to a performance.
Anger can also serve people if it is not violent or aggressive. lt warns a person to respond appropriately in a dangerous situations and it motivates people to react to personal attacks or threats to their security. Anger also challenges individuals to make changes that allows them to achieve their goals. So insults that anger people may actually motivate them to prove the other wrong by engaging in new or different behaviors.
Anger results from the relationship between the limbic system, the center of emotions in the brain, the sympathetic nervous system [SNS], the nervous system that controls the fight, flight, or freeze response, and consciousness, the mechanisms that control how people think about or perceive an event. When the emotional brain receives information from the part of the brain that perceives an impending threat, it sends signals to the body using biochemicals called neurotransmitters. These chemicals communicate by telling the body to respond to the threat.
When the SNS gets the message it responds to this perception of danger by eliciting the “fight or flight” response and triggering the release of hormones, such as adrenaline and norepinephrine, into the bloodstream. This internal flood of hormones is experienced in the brain, labeled as anger, fear, or both, and interpreted in a manner that causes people to fight to protect their beliefs and their lives.

It is the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving and I think of the gifts I received earlier in the day. At 8 am, Jane, my massage therapist, worked on my pelvis, the psoas muscles in particular, bringing energy to places in my body where there had been only a trickle. When I arrived at my office I learned that Donna, my secretary, completed a difficult negotiation with an insurance company who had not been paying the contracted amount. Best of all, I received the gift of authenticity from four clients who dropped their masks and shared realistic concerns about the frustration of parenting, the chill of loneliness, the fear of dying, and a recent psychotic break followed by a dream of integration and healing. What an amazing day of receiving gifts from others!

As I was preparing food for the Thanksgiving dinner, I thought about a class I taught in New York City . One of the themes was “giving.” Atlunchtime I sent the students out into the street, 23^rd Street and Park Avenue, with an assignment. In addition to getting lunch, they were told to give something of themselves to their fellow human beings, strangers who they met along the way. When the students returned from lunch, several said the assignment stumped them. Two of them confessed that they didn’t want to give anything of themselves to anyone. Others couldn’t figure out what to give. The last few said that they ended up giving money to beggars. I learned that day that the idea of giving to give, giving from one’s heart, and not out of obligation, or for a need to get something back, remained a difficult concept even for therapists in training.

Here are five points about giving. I am certain many of you could add other thoughts about giving as well.

#1 Giving to receive If a person gives in order to get, it’s manipulation. In contrast when a person gives from the higher self, that person has an amazing experience. True giving, without needing anything back, opens the energy centers and allows energy from the universe to flow into the body and fill the giver. Giving creates waves of vibratory forces which lead to an experience of pleasure and joy.

A Sister of Mercy I worked with in Philadelphia became a friend as well as client. She taught me more about “giving” than anyone. Although she had many complaints about the nuns she lived with, about her family of origin, and about her body, as she suffered from some serious ailments, in the middle of listing these sundry complaints, she would light up. She sparkled as she shared about the jobless or the homeless people who she found ways to help. Her face and body came alive with love. She looked like an old-fashioned Christmas tree with its candles aglow. The energy field around her became light and airy. My friend, the Sister of Mercy, taught me the true art of giving.

#2 Giving is Receiving   You can also give by receiving from another. Receiving can be an important form of giving. One of my students described this process, saying that someone who she did not know very well gave her a poster. By receiving it with grace and expressing her appreciation, the giver felt happy — and my student experienced the positive consequences of giving by simply receiving. This principle is utilized by therapists, who receive their clients, helping them feel heard, understood, and accepted, sometimes for the first time ever.

#3   Giving means being genuine, authentic, and real  Giving is saying what is true for you. It is being direct, even confrontational when necessary. Giving is letting the other know where you stand, even if it means telling someone you are not interested in them or no longer wish to spend time with them.

When I look at the relationships I value, they are those where I am honest and the other person is honest with me. I want to feel safe enough in my own skin to risk telling others the truth. When you look at the larger picture, giving is not simply about kindness, although that is certainly one aspect of it, but it is really about being in your truth.

#4 Giving is accompanying someone into the dark places Working with a patient who had a series of symptoms, mainly physical, accompanied by one obsessive thought, that occurred over and over again, I found giving can mean being a companion on a road that passes through some pretty dark places. This client’s thought involved a form of self-punishment. One day in session, he lay pillows down on the floor and told me that he wanted to release some stuff. He lay on top of the pillows and began to hit, kick, and scream. The screams were directed at his mother. He cursed her for negating him in every way possible, and then drawing him to her as if he were her little man. He screamed at her not to undress in front of him, that he did not want to see her without clothing, and that he was not her husband. When the session ended he was radiant. He turned to me and said, “I feel fine; I don’t need to analyze this” and then he left.   There was no action on my part other than being a witness. As this example indicates the giving is in the witnessing, and in the accompanying of another into his or her dark, forgotten place.

#5 Giving is releasing negative energy When a person confronts his or her own rage, anger, hatred, fear, terror, and the myriad of forms these emotions take and releases these feelings through body work that is nonthreatening to others — that person is giving. The person is giving some aspect of her essence. By being honest about negative feelings, one achieves the freedom to be oneself. By expressing and confronting these inner horrors one frees oneself of shame and guilt. At times, expression of negative thoughts and feelings, if not directed at a specific person, can be the greatest gift of all.

#6 Precious memories of giving My Aunt Miriam was a giving person. When I would visit her as a child, she had activities planned for me to engage in. She let me play dress-up in her sexy nightgowns, she bought me pretty clothes, she taught me how to sell shoes in her store, and she gave me the confidence that I could and would succeed. As an adult I realize that Aunt Miriam is not as unique as I imagined. There are many giving people, like my Aunt Miriam on the planet at any given time. If you are reading this, you will think of someone you know who has given in a special way that will never be forgotten.

Never lose sight of the beauty of giving. It surrounds you. And here is the greatest challenge: to be genuine, to receive from others and express appreciation, to give from your heart, with no thought of getting back?,

Here are some meanings of the word surrender.

To trust in one’s life processes,

To accept life situations as they are without trying to change them.

To be in the present moment.

To accept what is not in your control.

To be willing to be responsible, to accept guidance, teaching, pleasure, and to let go.

To experience the divine.

To release illusions.

To accept the truth.

To let go of fear and tension.

To experience all your feelings.

Each of us needs to surrender. Some of us need  to let go of the feeling that we don’t have the right to be here or to live fully. Others need to surrender to feelings and experiencing emotions. Those of us who have cut off from our bodies need to surrender to physical sensations, even those that are unpleasant or uncomfortable.

Some of us refuse support from others, being unwilling to feel out of control or helpless. We need to let go, accept the help, feel sexual, and experience pleasure. Some have to give up the illusion of being consumed by  others and the fantasy of complete freedom.

Many of us need to surrender to love, to express it, and to open our hearts. We may also need to surrender to heartbreak, to the experience of rejection, feeling abandoned, and feeling dependent.

Surrender feels like falling, with no visible means of support. We fear falling in love, even though we yearn for it. We fear fusion with another, even though we desire it.

We fear loss of self, death, falling asleep, the unknown, darkness, and involuntary acts.

To experience surrender and the fear of it, practice falling. Stand with your back facing a bed. Allow yourself to fall backwards. Don’t turn your head to see how you will fall. Let yourself down softly. Once you fall, don’t  get up immediately and go on to the next thing. Relax; Notice what you feel: anger, shame, pleasure?

Email me and let me know how you do with this exercise and the role surrender plays in your life.

Warmly, Karyne