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Rid Your Relationship of Cruelty

Love is the ultimate goal. Relationships can  be difficult if partners develop weapons to use against each other. Sometime stereotypes prevail. Men are supposed to be strong and women are seen as emotional and sensitive. Disappointment follows if men appear weak or emotional and women powerful and distant. People enter relationships burdened with issues: distrust, anger, hostility, passivity. They believe love is dangerous. Unconsciously they bring cruel behaviors and attitudes into the relationship, either by being passive and enduring cruelty or by being active and inflicting cruelty.

Behind the weapons lives an intense need to distance oneself driven by fear of life, fear of death, and fear of pleasure. So instead of respecting the life force–the core–and living in peace, without conflict, guided by the intelligence of the heart, they fall victim to their own fear, the negative energy that darkens their doorstep. Restructuring can only take place with self-care, sleep and healthy nourishment, love, and meditation or prayer. The two people must use both their outer and inner wills to correct their bad behavior, distinguish right from wrong, and embrace mutuality rather than running from it. They must choose the love force to overcome negativity.

When a relationship starts to fail, blame is often the culprit. They each say their unhappiness has been inflicted by the other. They believe themselves innocent victims. There may be a deliberate sabotage of the sexual  part of the relationship. Someone withholds or becomes too aggressive. The pleasure diminishes. One  person may initiate the negativity and the other may respond to it with  negativity. Victim versus hater.

At this point, they need to stop and separate from the negative beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and judgements poring forth from their fear-based brains and pay  attention to their conscious minds,  real selves, and true bodies. The body speaks the truth. When one listens only to one’s mind, one listen’s to fear. To listen to the heart brain and the gut brain is to know the truth. Rather than giving power to negative images, give power to heartfelt energy, pleasure, mutuality, and truth.

Three steps to take

  1. When your partner says something negative, do not respond with negativity, do not get defensive, and do not try to show why you are right?
  2.  Sit within the glow of your heart. Meditate on all that you love or have loved in the past about your partner, even if he or she is not acting that way at the moment.
  3.  Own your own fear of closeness and intimacy. You believe that if you can hate this person, you can run from the relationship and you will never be hurt again.

Thoughts of John Pierrakos M.D.  Expanded upon and written up by Karyne Wilner, PsyD

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Love, Sex & Eros, Pitfalls & Pleasures

SEX, LOVE, AND EROS

The ideal love relationship is one in which love, sex, and eros are united. However, in most relationships only one or two of these conditions are present, but not the third. 1) You might have a lot of sex and no deep abiding feelings or commitment to the other; 2)  you could have deep feelings and no sex; 3) or there might be a lot of eros (romance) but nothing else, so that your relationships remain platonic. 4) Finally, some couples have friendship and sex, without romance or excitement, and end up looking for excitement outside of the relationship.

Affairs occur because some people defend themselves against feeling pain or being hurt in a love relationship by separating their heart feelings from their sexual feelings. A rejection or abandonment may have occurred in childhood. For instance if little Patty at age 5 had a crush on her dad and he pushed her away due to his embarrassment about having sexual feelings toward her, she may have experienced rejection. Consequentially, when Patty grew up separated her heart feelings from her pelvis. Therefore as an adult she has sex with men she does not care about and deep caring friendships with other men with whom she has no chemistry. Similarly little Louis could have fetl attracted to and then rejected by his mother. One moment she hugged him and told him what a delightful little boy he was and in the next she shooed him out of her bedroom so she could nap. Like Patty, Louis will split off his sexual and love feelings when he becomes an adult.

EROS

Similar to romance or infatuation Eros is short lived. However it leads you out of stagnation and gives you an idea of how good it feels to be close to another person. Eros can hit with the force of Cupid’s arrow. Fueled by chemistry it unites two people. However, in our culture Eros is confused with love.

Some people fear Eros. They are afraid of the loneliness or sadness that may follow if it dies. Therefore they avoid romance. Others who are on a quest for love and romance seek it out. It provides excitement without the hard work that goes along with love.

Eros fizzles out when you cannot move to the next step and make a commitment to love the other. You may only want to move from emotional high to emotional high. When the high fades, you prefer to find someone else and move onto another adventure. On the other hand, Eros may end as soon as negative aspects of the other’s personality appear or when you think you know all there is to know about the other. Without curiosity or when sharing with each other stops, the relationship becomes unexciting.

LOVE

Love combines feelings, intelligence, the body, and spirit. Love is a powerful force involving the total being. Love is active. It is more than saying words like “I love you” although the words are important. Love is a commitment expressed through intention and behavior.

Some people fear Love, because the mind says, “If I love, I will be taken advantage of, I will be hurt”. You may remember hurts from past relationships and use them to talk yourself out of risking opening the heart again.

Once you get past the fear of making the commitment, the act of giving and receiving love will lead to a state of inner and outer health and excitement.

Healthy Love depends on  loving yourself — first, because true loving involves feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. Also being conscious of your negative traits, such as laziness or stubbornness, is important; Otherwise you may use them to aggravate your partner or you may project them out onto the other. Finally, you must get past the belief that you don’t deserve Love.

Love fails when the attraction for the other person is not really for the other person, but for an image in your mind’s eye. If this occurs you are still looking for the perfect parent that you never had. So you therefore abandon one after another love partner who falls short of the image in your mind.

Love grows strong when you accept your partner and give your partner space. If you have been preprogrammed to expect to be hurt in a relationship, try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. View the person with warmth and trust. For the other to be real, you must see the positive as well as the negative.

To Love, you must be able to stand some frustration and pain without feeling cheated. There will be pain, but it is worth it.

SEX

People who are attracted sexually are like positive and negative poles of a magnet – they are pulled together – they want to connect with each other. Sex is the physical yearning of two people to know each other – to find each other.

If 2 people are fused mentally, physically, and emotionally, that is, they share on all levels – a new reality will arise – a spiritual reality leading to a deep and abiding love. If the attraction exists only on the physical level, it will fizzle out.

In a true adult sexual relationship, there is mutual giving and receiving, both partners give, nurture, receive, take in, give out, and exchange feelings.

If the infant who lives within you is unfulfilled, and still looking for the totally nurturing mother, you may be passive in sex, therefore, waiting to be served. Therefore a mutual sexual experience cannot occur and both of you may end up frustrated.

To have a deep sexual and love relationship, you and your partner must be compatible on a mental level. This means you must be able to understand each other and share common interests. You could have good sex, but if you lack the ability to communicate and share, the relationship will hit a wall.

The sexual experience represents the personality. The power hungry person will try to dominate in sex, a passive person will be passive, someone stingy at work will withhold in sex, and a person who is cruel to his employees will be cruel in bed. Whatever problems are in your personality will come out in sex. On the other hand, sexuality can also express the beauty that exists within you. For example, the tenderness, gentleness, and caring that appears in your life will appear in sex.

If you separate sexual desire from affection, the sex is often followed by guilt. For some people, the guilt is unconscious – but it is there – in addition, the relationship usually disintegrates as the sex becomes flat.

CONCLUSION

To conclude, an ideal relationship unites Sex, Love and Eros. The excitement of Eros bridges you with another. With self love, and the intention to commit, accept, and value the other, you will transform Eros into Love — by giving, receiving, sharing, revealing, and accepting without judgment. Love means receiving the other’s negative actions, if they are not abusive. Love means believing: “When you hurt me, I won’t judge you, because I know you love me.” In love you are provided with the opportunity to bask in the warmth that comes from living authentically. Only then can two selves unite as one.