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Rid Your Relationship of Cruelty

Love is the ultimate goal. Relationships can  be difficult if partners develop weapons to use against each other. Sometime stereotypes prevail. Men are supposed to be strong and women are seen as emotional and sensitive. Disappointment follows if men appear weak or emotional and women powerful and distant. People enter relationships burdened with issues: distrust, anger, hostility, passivity. They believe love is dangerous. Unconsciously they bring cruel behaviors and attitudes into the relationship, either by being passive and enduring cruelty or by being active and inflicting cruelty.

Behind the weapons lives an intense need to distance oneself driven by fear of life, fear of death, and fear of pleasure. So instead of respecting the life force–the core–and living in peace, without conflict, guided by the intelligence of the heart, they fall victim to their own fear, the negative energy that darkens their doorstep. Restructuring can only take place with self-care, sleep and healthy nourishment, love, and meditation or prayer. The two people must use both their outer and inner wills to correct their bad behavior, distinguish right from wrong, and embrace mutuality rather than running from it. They must choose the love force to overcome negativity.

When a relationship starts to fail, blame is often the culprit. They each say their unhappiness has been inflicted by the other. They believe themselves innocent victims. There may be a deliberate sabotage of the sexual  part of the relationship. Someone withholds or becomes too aggressive. The pleasure diminishes. One  person may initiate the negativity and the other may respond to it with  negativity. Victim versus hater.

At this point, they need to stop and separate from the negative beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and judgements poring forth from their fear-based brains and pay  attention to their conscious minds,  real selves, and true bodies. The body speaks the truth. When one listens only to one’s mind, one listen’s to fear. To listen to the heart brain and the gut brain is to know the truth. Rather than giving power to negative images, give power to heartfelt energy, pleasure, mutuality, and truth.

Three steps to take

  1. When your partner says something negative, do not respond with negativity, do not get defensive, and do not try to show why you are right?
  2.  Sit within the glow of your heart. Meditate on all that you love or have loved in the past about your partner, even if he or she is not acting that way at the moment.
  3.  Own your own fear of closeness and intimacy. You believe that if you can hate this person, you can run from the relationship and you will never be hurt again.

Thoughts of John Pierrakos M.D.  Expanded upon and written up by Karyne Wilner, PsyD

Blog

The Ability to Love

Personal growth and development involve the heart and the ability to love. The word “Core” in my work, Core Energetics, refers to love and the heart. This may surprise you, but the heart is your spiritual and relationship center, not your brain. Your heart integrates your entire organism, providing pulsating energy streams that flow up into your head and down into your legs and feet. This energy flows through your body, just as your blood flows through the arteries and veins.

You control and direct your heart through your inner wisdom as well as your outer will, the part of your brain and nervous system that motivates and directs your actions. If you are willing to love another in an authentic way, you will take the risks that are necessary to create an atmosphere where love can flourish. That involves admitting that you are vulnerable, telling the truth, being authentic, dealing with anger, frustration and disappointment in a mature way, and preparing yourself to love another even when that person fails to meet your expectations.

If you have trouble loving here are three exercises designed for you.
Two are physical because all kinds of muscular blocks interfere with heart pulsations. Your life force may have been diminished by the chest armor you used to protect yourself from being hurt. By releasing the chest block, you will participate in a transformative experience that will enhance your ability to love.
1) Working by yourself make fists and begin to punch the air in front of you. Punch love away. The punching both opens the chest armor and frees you to say “yes” to love. Few people can say “yes”, until they have first said “no.”
2) The second exercise involves reaching out, with first one arm and hand and then the other, grabbing love and bring it to your heart. Do this several times slowly, so you can feel what it means to bring energy to your heart.
3) Finally the last exercise calls for you to share something very personal, something that makes you feel vulnerable or ashamed with someone you care a lot about.
These 3 exercises will put you on the path toward love and enhance your ability to bring mature, meaningful love into your life.

Blog

SURRENDER

 

 

Here are some meanings of the word surrender.

To trust in one’s life processes.

To accept life situations as they are without trying to change them.

To be in the present moment.

To accept what is not in your control.

To be willing to be responsible, to accept guidance, teaching, pleasure, and to let go.

To experience the divine.

To release illusions.

To accept the truth.

To let go of fear and tension.

To experience all your feelings.

 

Each of us needs to surrender in our own unique way.  Some of us need to surrender to the experience of life, to let go of the feeling that we don’t have the right to be here or to live fully. Others of us need to surrender to our feelings and experience emotion of every variety. Some of us have cut off from our bodies, treating them as distant tools, and we need to surrender to physical sensations, even those that are unpleasant or uncomfortable.

 

Some of us refuse support from others, being unwilling to surrender to the feeling of not having control or feeling helpless. Others of us need to let go, feel sexual, experience pleasure and stop fighting against our sexual urges. Some have to give up the illusion of being swallowed and consumed by the other, give up the fantasy of complete freedom, and accept the limitations of real freedom and real relationship.

 

Many of us need to surrender to love, to expressing it freely and to opening our hearts. We may also need to surrender to heartbreak, to the experience of rejection, to feeling  abandoned, to feeling dependent.

 

Fear of surrender is like fear of falling. There is no visible support. And we fear falling in love, even though we yearn for it. We fear fusion with another, even though we yearn for it as well. We also fear loss of self, death, falling asleep, the unknown, darkness, and involuntary acts.

 

Core Energetic Exercise: Practice Falling Backward. This exercise will tell you something about your ability to surrender.

 

Stand with your back toward a bed and fall backwards. Notice if you turn your head to see how you will fall, fall on your side, let yourself down gingerly, try to guide the fall, hold back for a long time, fall prematurely so you don’t have to experience the fall.

Once you fall, what do you do? Do you get up immediately and go on to the next thing; do you relax; do you experience anger; or do you feel shame?

 

Email me at karynew@aol.com and let me know how you did with this exercise and how surrender does or does not play a role in your life.

 

Warmly, Karyne