I wrote this blog for my publisher — New Harbinger — but I wanted to share it here as well. Anger and relationships is such an important topic. Look for my new book on Fear of Love.
Norm, who had lost his wife several years back, told the group that now that he lived alone he did not know what to do with his anger. He felt it, but had no one person to direct it to, bicker with, attack, or criticize. He would have never thought that anger would be one of the things he missed.
What is the role of anger in a relationship. If it is not too severe, as in the case of Norm and his wife Nancy, it creates a kind of dance that they do together. They both view it as their way of blowing off steam, tension release, and at times it even leads to problem solving. However, research shows that couples who demean each other, attack below the belt, are mean and disrespectful, and those who never express anger, living within walls of silence or quiet resentment have the higher divorce rates.
My theory is that anger between two people can be use to build bridges rather than break them down. However, for this to happen many people need to view anger differently and have a new set of beliefs about it. As long as people see anger as a way to dismiss or demean the other, point out their failings and faults, and get back or punish them, a relationship cannot sustain this kind of behavior. In fact those people who suffer from “fear of love” are most likely to use anger as a wedge or barrier to stay separate from the other. If love represents I/Thou, intimacy, and oneness, the fear of losing oneself in the other may be too great, and anger is the perfect antidote.
To build bridges, one must desire authenticity and intimacy. Each must listen to an opposing opinion and find a way to treat it respectfully. “I understand why you think that way. You are making a good point. “
Anger is an unasked for emotion that arises along with other feelings such as fear, grief, shame, and sadness when you feel threatened. It may be taking a tole on your relationships, but you may not know it — because to you anger feels like a friend who protects you when in danger. Also you are so accustomed to your anger, that it feels natural , and you have no idea of the effect it has on other people. If you yell or scream you may get over it in a matter of minutes, but for your kids, spouse, friends, and colleages, it could take them months or even years. No-one has the knowledge of the exact effect of their anger on other people
And in some ways it’s even worse if it’s suppressed. You say everything is okay and everyone else sees your facial expression and the hears the tone of your voice and they are thinking “no it’s not.”
People come together in relationships to create something better than they can each build separately. When relationships don’t work, the breakdown or breakup can create deep suffering and illness.
If you have unrealistic dreams of soul mates, you may get caught up in the fallacy of unconditional love. However, our true Soul mate is our own Soul!
Moving from irritation and annoyance to acceptance and compromise is a wise and necessary step. Instead, partners think that if I could only change the other, then my life would be better. We want others to change, but we have to change and accept others or be miserable. Recognize your own imperfections by seeing them in your partner. Your partner is your mirror. Instead praise your partner and accept them.
Many people run from one bad relationship to another because they end up blaming the other rather than taking responsibility for not doing their part to create success. Inability to reconcile with your dark shadow and instead blaming the other and the universe is a mistake. When your partner provokes a strong emotional response, they beckon you into the shadow dance to discover your own imperfections. Use this to discover what you need to change.
Let go of being too critical. Venus’s loving nature gets lost in analyzing and being too picky. Remember to hold your complaints at arm’s length and decide what is happening in the other person that is producing your own negative self-talk. Do not look for your exact carbon copy in a partner. You have to remember that we all have wonderful and challenging sides. People who enter your life bring with them both sides of the coin. You may see the head side up but eventually you will see the tail side of the coin. Unless you accept both, you will be miserable.