Love is the ultimate goal. Relationships can be difficult if partners develop weapons to use against each other. Sometime stereotypes prevail. Men are supposed to be strong and women are seen as emotional and sensitive. Disappointment follows if men appear weak or emotional and women powerful and distant. People enter relationships burdened with issues: distrust, anger, hostility, passivity. They believe love is dangerous. Unconsciously they bring cruel behaviors and attitudes into the relationship, either by being passive and enduring cruelty or by being active and inflicting cruelty.
Behind the weapons lives an intense need to distance oneself driven by fear of life, fear of death, and fear of pleasure. So instead of respecting the life force–the core–and living in peace, without conflict, guided by the intelligence of the heart, they fall victim to their own fear, the negative energy that darkens their doorstep. Restructuring can only take place with self-care, sleep and healthy nourishment, love, and meditation or prayer. The two people must use both their outer and inner wills to correct their bad behavior, distinguish right from wrong, and embrace mutuality rather than running from it. They must choose the love force to overcome negativity.
When a relationship starts to fail, blame is often the culprit. They each say their unhappiness has been inflicted by the other. They believe themselves innocent victims. There may be a deliberate sabotage of the sexual part of the relationship. Someone withholds or becomes too aggressive. The pleasure diminishes. One person may initiate the negativity and the other may respond to it with negativity. Victim versus hater.
At this point, they need to stop and separate from the negative beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and judgements poring forth from their fear-based brains and pay attention to their conscious minds, real selves, and true bodies. The body speaks the truth. When one listens only to one’s mind, one listen’s to fear. To listen to the heart brain and the gut brain is to know the truth. Rather than giving power to negative images, give power to heartfelt energy, pleasure, mutuality, and truth.
Three steps to take
- When your partner says something negative, do not respond with negativity, do not get defensive, and do not try to show why you are right?
- Sit within the glow of your heart. Meditate on all that you love or have loved in the past about your partner, even if he or she is not acting that way at the moment.
- Own your own fear of closeness and intimacy. You believe that if you can hate this person, you can run from the relationship and you will never be hurt again.
Thoughts of John Pierrakos M.D. Expanded upon and written up by Karyne Wilner, PsyD