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Love, Sex & Eros, Pitfalls & Pleasures

SEX, LOVE, AND EROS

The ideal love relationship is one in which love, sex, and eros are united. However, in most relationships only one or two of these conditions are present, but not the third. 1) You might have a lot of sex and no deep abiding feelings or commitment to the other; 2)  you could have deep feelings and no sex; 3) or there might be a lot of eros (romance) but nothing else, so that your relationships remain platonic. 4) Finally, some couples have friendship and sex, without romance or excitement, and end up looking for excitement outside of the relationship.

Affairs occur because some people defend themselves against feeling pain or being hurt in a love relationship by separating their heart feelings from their sexual feelings. A rejection or abandonment may have occurred in childhood. For instance if little Patty at age 5 had a crush on her dad and he pushed her away due to his embarrassment about having sexual feelings toward her, she may have experienced rejection. Consequentially, when Patty grew up separated her heart feelings from her pelvis. Therefore as an adult she has sex with men she does not care about and deep caring friendships with other men with whom she has no chemistry. Similarly little Louis could have fetl attracted to and then rejected by his mother. One moment she hugged him and told him what a delightful little boy he was and in the next she shooed him out of her bedroom so she could nap. Like Patty, Louis will split off his sexual and love feelings when he becomes an adult.

EROS

Similar to romance or infatuation Eros is short lived. However it leads you out of stagnation and gives you an idea of how good it feels to be close to another person. Eros can hit with the force of Cupid’s arrow. Fueled by chemistry it unites two people. However, in our culture Eros is confused with love.

Some people fear Eros. They are afraid of the loneliness or sadness that may follow if it dies. Therefore they avoid romance. Others who are on a quest for love and romance seek it out. It provides excitement without the hard work that goes along with love.

Eros fizzles out when you cannot move to the next step and make a commitment to love the other. You may only want to move from emotional high to emotional high. When the high fades, you prefer to find someone else and move onto another adventure. On the other hand, Eros may end as soon as negative aspects of the other’s personality appear or when you think you know all there is to know about the other. Without curiosity or when sharing with each other stops, the relationship becomes unexciting.

LOVE

Love combines feelings, intelligence, the body, and spirit. Love is a powerful force involving the total being. Love is active. It is more than saying words like “I love you” although the words are important. Love is a commitment expressed through intention and behavior.

Some people fear Love, because the mind says, “If I love, I will be taken advantage of, I will be hurt”. You may remember hurts from past relationships and use them to talk yourself out of risking opening the heart again.

Once you get past the fear of making the commitment, the act of giving and receiving love will lead to a state of inner and outer health and excitement.

Healthy Love depends on  loving yourself — first, because true loving involves feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. Also being conscious of your negative traits, such as laziness or stubbornness, is important; Otherwise you may use them to aggravate your partner or you may project them out onto the other. Finally, you must get past the belief that you don’t deserve Love.

Love fails when the attraction for the other person is not really for the other person, but for an image in your mind’s eye. If this occurs you are still looking for the perfect parent that you never had. So you therefore abandon one after another love partner who falls short of the image in your mind.

Love grows strong when you accept your partner and give your partner space. If you have been preprogrammed to expect to be hurt in a relationship, try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. View the person with warmth and trust. For the other to be real, you must see the positive as well as the negative.

To Love, you must be able to stand some frustration and pain without feeling cheated. There will be pain, but it is worth it.

SEX

People who are attracted sexually are like positive and negative poles of a magnet – they are pulled together – they want to connect with each other. Sex is the physical yearning of two people to know each other – to find each other.

If 2 people are fused mentally, physically, and emotionally, that is, they share on all levels – a new reality will arise – a spiritual reality leading to a deep and abiding love. If the attraction exists only on the physical level, it will fizzle out.

In a true adult sexual relationship, there is mutual giving and receiving, both partners give, nurture, receive, take in, give out, and exchange feelings.

If the infant who lives within you is unfulfilled, and still looking for the totally nurturing mother, you may be passive in sex, therefore, waiting to be served. Therefore a mutual sexual experience cannot occur and both of you may end up frustrated.

To have a deep sexual and love relationship, you and your partner must be compatible on a mental level. This means you must be able to understand each other and share common interests. You could have good sex, but if you lack the ability to communicate and share, the relationship will hit a wall.

The sexual experience represents the personality. The power hungry person will try to dominate in sex, a passive person will be passive, someone stingy at work will withhold in sex, and a person who is cruel to his employees will be cruel in bed. Whatever problems are in your personality will come out in sex. On the other hand, sexuality can also express the beauty that exists within you. For example, the tenderness, gentleness, and caring that appears in your life will appear in sex.

If you separate sexual desire from affection, the sex is often followed by guilt. For some people, the guilt is unconscious – but it is there – in addition, the relationship usually disintegrates as the sex becomes flat.

CONCLUSION

To conclude, an ideal relationship unites Sex, Love and Eros. The excitement of Eros bridges you with another. With self love, and the intention to commit, accept, and value the other, you will transform Eros into Love — by giving, receiving, sharing, revealing, and accepting without judgment. Love means receiving the other’s negative actions, if they are not abusive. Love means believing: “When you hurt me, I won’t judge you, because I know you love me.” In love you are provided with the opportunity to bask in the warmth that comes from living authentically. Only then can two selves unite as one.

 

 

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Fairy Tale: Losing One’s Authentic Self

A soul named Lila came to earth embodied as a beautiful infant girl.
Lila’s body comprised two energy systems, the high speed vibrational system of the soul or higher self, and the low speed, biophysical system, including the fight or flight response, of the human organism. The second system had been designed to protect the human body from threats.
The Earth parents loved their delightful daughter, but were not pleased when she cried and screamed. Once during a temper tantram, she told her mother “I hate you.” Both parents were deeply offended by this behavior. Little girls should be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Not wanting to be judged as bad parents if anyone heard that their child acted out, they called the witch patrol. This group of seven witches worked to rid Earth children of base, shameful, and disgusting “lower self” behaviors. The witches used methods of shaming and punishing that caused the beautiful little girl to bury her anger so deep within herself that no-one would ever know it existed. By suppressing her negativity within the muscles and organs of her body, she suppressed her “higher self ” energy at well. Now she would no longer be considered an angry child, but some of her special and unique gifts disappeared too. Lila did not notice the absence of her true self. When she thought about her old behavior, such as telling her mother she hated her, she felt ashamed. Over time, she forgot that she ever had negative feelings. The witch patrol had done their job well.
Since Earth is a fairly dangerous planet, Lila no longer felt safe. Her fierce anger was gone Therefore, she created protective armor, called the ego mask, a method her parents would not reject, as they wore ego-masks themselves. The ego-mask hid the true self so that it would not be hurt and it created a false, distorted version of Lila’s real self, so that no-one would ever have access to the real Lila again.
After a while Lila, like all the others on the planet, forgot that the self she created for protection was false. She believed her mask image, thinking “this is who I am.” However, when Lila became a woman, she sensed that something was wrong. She never fully felt herself, and she never felt totally alive. She suffered from a lack of confidence and low self-esteem, even though she did very well in school and won many awards. After she separated from her third husband, she said “I cannot live this way anymore.” At that point, and for the first time ever, she turned to prayer and asked for guidance.
An angel heard her prayer and came to help her. But at first the help did not feel like help. “Who is this cruel angel who is telling me that I am not real, that I have denied my feelings, cut off my anger and my fear, and lived in a state of arrogance and false perfection”, asked Lila? The angel was very patient and helped Lila find the parts of herself she repressed as a young child. Together the angel and Lila collaborated to undo the work of the witch patrol. Once she could face her rage and her terror and free up the energy associated with these emotions, releasing it from the taut muscles of her body, Lila began to feel like her true self. The angel helped her to tear off the ego mask, to release and transform the stuck “lower self” emotions, and to experience her heart. Now Lila helps other Earthlings to reclaim their true selves, her angel visits her often, and she has joy and fulfillment in her life.

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Stanley Keleman — Original Thinker & Body Therapist

One of the most original thinkers in the field of Somatics (Body Therapy), Stanley Keleman has used his unique knowledge of the of the body’s functioning to help people grow, change, become unstuck, and transition from one life phase to the next. A pioneer, Keleman perceives the body, unmistakably, as the center of the self. Using Formative Psychology, the name for his brand of therapy, he teaches people to change their bodies so as to experience life more fully.

According to Keleman the body’s shapes changes over time due to nature and one’s voluntary effort to influence it. Bodies are inherited according to the rules of genetics, but immediately thereafter the innate structure changes due to the challenges and stressors of life. For instance, a five-year old responds to the yelling and screaming at the family dinner table by raising his shoulders in fear. So when this child grows up with shoulders locked and raised up around his neck, he cannot reach out to make contact. If he were then to seek help for relationship issues, a body therapist could help this young man learn new muscular approaches to life.

Keleman teaches individuals that they can participate in their own formative life process. By looking at their body shapes Keleman can provide workshop participants information about their life experiences, emotions, behavior, and belief systems. By educating people to use voluntary muscle movement to influence emotional and beliefs, he shows them how to turn their lives around.

Because body shapes have the ability to continually form and reform, one can have more than one somatic self. Each new shape represents another self wanting to be lived. People have the opportunity to form bodies appropriate for their age, work with the feelings and challenges of emerging shapes, and explore each unique individual identity as it emerges. The body process is the basis for how individuals form the self and their world view.

Stanley Keleman has been honored by both the European Body Psychotherapy Association and the United States Association for Body Psychotherapy and received an honorary doctorate degree from Saybrook University. By showing that the body is more than a series of innate reactions and that people can use voluntary muscle action to enhance their lives, Keleman teaches people to trust their bodies, to handle their emotions appropriately, and to have a better and richer connection to themselves.

 

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The Ability to Love

Personal growth and development involve the heart and the ability to love. The word “Core” in my work, Core Energetics, refers to love and the heart. This may surprise you, but the heart is your spiritual and relationship center, not your brain. Your heart integrates your entire organism, providing pulsating energy streams that flow up into your head and down into your legs and feet. This energy flows through your body, just as your blood flows through the arteries and veins.

You control and direct your heart through your inner wisdom as well as your outer will, the part of your brain and nervous system that motivates and directs your actions. If you are willing to love another in an authentic way, you will take the risks that are necessary to create an atmosphere where love can flourish. That involves admitting that you are vulnerable, telling the truth, being authentic, dealing with anger, frustration and disappointment in a mature way, and preparing yourself to love another even when that person fails to meet your expectations.

If you have trouble loving here are three exercises designed for you.
Two are physical because all kinds of muscular blocks interfere with heart pulsations. Your life force may have been diminished by the chest armor you used to protect yourself from being hurt. By releasing the chest block, you will participate in a transformative experience that will enhance your ability to love.
1) Working by yourself make fists and begin to punch the air in front of you. Punch love away. The punching both opens the chest armor and frees you to say “yes” to love. Few people can say “yes”, until they have first said “no.”
2) The second exercise involves reaching out, with first one arm and hand and then the other, grabbing love and bring it to your heart. Do this several times slowly, so you can feel what it means to bring energy to your heart.
3) Finally the last exercise calls for you to share something very personal, something that makes you feel vulnerable or ashamed with someone you care a lot about.
These 3 exercises will put you on the path toward love and enhance your ability to bring mature, meaningful love into your life.

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How I Became A Psychotherapist

I remember sitting with a group of people at a workshop in Fairmount Park, in a house owned by the park, located in Philadelphia. In the early 1970’s. I had finished a master’s degree in education form the Urban Teacher Preparation Program at Syracuse University and had come to Philadelphia to work in an inner city environment. I found myself excited by the work I did in the schools bringing a humanistic perspective to inner city children. I harbored a desire to raise self-esteem as well as teach. The air smelled of spring and the windows were open. It was delicious. I looked at the facilitator who had a Gestalt Psychology background, and I had a strong inner jolt: “I want to be doing that.”
Certainly part of that jolt was ego, maybe part was envy, even jealousy, but the strongest part lived beyond words. It pulled up from my essence saying this is my life path, what I am meant to do, want I want to do.
John Pierrakos told me he felt the same thing when we first met. We stood in the Sheraton Hotel in Philadelphia 10 years later, 1983. He had just presented a seminar on body reading and bowled over by its content I went up to where he was standing to ask if I could study with him. Later he told me that he knew right then that we would work closely together in the future.
When I was 16, my English teacher asked my class to write autobiographies. I wrote that I planned to be a psychologist in the future. Although this was1964 and I had never met a psychologist, I knew it intuitively. It became my dream and I never wavered.
I began my BA degree at Carnegie Mellon with the intention of studying psychology as an undergraduate. But it did not come to pass. I knew what I wanted to study, I knew it in my heart, I knew that I wanted to help people be more authentic, true to themselves. I also knew that I could not bring myself to accept the behavioral curriculum advanced by the psychology department and their emphasis on Skinner. So I changed my major to literature and I have no regrets. Because Camus, Shakespeare, and Dostoyevsky taught me what I need to learn about life and people.